I had a difficult relationship with my Mother. She never really liked me and would constantly berate me throughout my life and tell me that I was never good enough, that she was going to adopt me out, that I ruined her life and more.
I put up with this verbal abuse most of my life until I turned 30 when I decided I had enough and I still never really decided to deal with it or let it go for a long time. Throughout my 30’s I started getting more and problems with my menstrual cycle and had very heavy periods due a fibroid I had in my uterus. Well, that is what I believed.
The Spiralling Health Cycle
My period problems gradually got worse and worse and I had to have some minor operations to investigate these causes. I had the fibroid to investigate. I ended up with thickening of the lining of the uterus and I had to have a curette to fix it. I had several laparoscopies and hysteroscopies during this period to try and help me keep it under control.
Not realising that I was festering this anger deep inside and every time it would get out of control I would start to suffer more and more. I only started to realise this when I started my journey to spiritual healing and clearing the soul energy work.
My anger was the cause of all these problems. I also suffered a miscarriage, got a blood clot in my lungs, the treatment to fix this made the fibroid grow out of control and cause me to haemorrhage so bad I needed a blood transfusion. In the end, I had no choice but to try and have a myomectomy to remove the fibroid, but the fibroid had taken over my body and grown out of control due to being fed thinner blood from taking warfarin to remove the clot in my lung.
This meant when my gynaecologist tried to do a myomectomy he had no choice but to do a complete hysterectomy – although I got to keep my ovaries – in order to save my life as I started to haemorrhage during surgery. This was the hardest thing I ever had to live through as it meant I now, to had to accept that I can no longer have children.
The Underlying Cause
The day before I went in for my operation I sought out a psychic reading and the first thing the lady said to me is Why are you so angry? I had to sit back and ask myself this and accept that yes, I was angry at the way my mother treated me. I was furious about not being loved, not being good enough, not being wanted and never feeling like I fit in with my own family.
I realised I carried this anger with me, feeding it and allowing it to eat away at me way too late. I lost the chance to do the one thing I had been wanting my whole life. I wanted a family of my own, so I had someone to shower all the love that is deep inside of me. I dreamed about having children, but this was no longer available to me.
I had to find a way to come to terms with it so, I went within. I got back to the basics of my connection to spirit and it started my quest of self-healing, spiritual healing and the never-ending questions of why? Why did this happen? Why did I allow it? What did I do to deserve this? Thus, I started to hate myself more and more.
I blamed myself for my actions without understanding I was still holding on to this anger. I craved answers. I wanted to change my life, but I had no idea why so, I railed at God and the Universe for creating my own version of hell. I never asked for this. I never wanted this. I am a good person. I don’t go out and hurt people. Why did this have to happen to me?
I discovered Louise L Hay’s Book You Can Heal Your Life and uncovered the reason for the problems I went through with my uterus. These types of problems were directly linked to unresolved issues with your mother and anger specifically. I had to find a way to release this and let it go.
I searched for answers, read a million books on the subject or so it seemed, searched out other healers, attended Spiritual Churches, learned about healing techniques including Reiki and Crystal healing and decided I needed more of this in my life. So, I studied these modalities, read more about them, sought out the right teachers and mentors and immersed myself in all things healing for myself. But still, I carried this anger deep inside and it was holding me back from creating a life I dreamed about. A better state of consciousness that I knew existed but had no idea where to find.
The Answer is Forgiveness
Then one day while I was at spiritual church I heard a story being read to the congregation about The Littlest Soul and The Sun. How a soul came to incarnate on earth to learn forgiveness – by Neale Donald Walsh and this lead me to start reading his series of books called Conversations with God. I found that I needed to have forgiveness about the situation to successfully heal it.
So, I tried to forgive my Mother for the things I felt she had done to me. I tried to release it and let it go and I struggled. I would still be angry. I would still hear her voice telling me all those bad things repeatedly. I would still feel just as bad about myself as I always did.
Forgiveness of the person who hurt us is not enough. The biggest key is to understand the lesson we came to learn and forgive ourselves for going through it and learning it in the first place. Forgive ourselves for wanting to learn something so hard and to push our boundaries like never before. Only when I was ready to forgive myself for not knowing how to deal with this stuff was I able to heal and move forward.
I was finally able to see who I really am inside. I was finally able to learn to love myself. It took saying I love you to myself for over 3 and half years before I realised one day that I actually did. All because I had forgiven myself.
It is powerful stuff. Then you heal it and release it once and for all. This gives you the freedom you are seeking and raises your vibration to a new level so you can manifest and create the life you really want to live.